Lately I am filled with Hate and Anger.
About two weeks ago my daughter's life was willfully and knowingly put at risk by someone we trusted. It is a miracle I got her back unharmed and in one piece. My stomach twists every time I think of how easily I could have lost her that day. How lucky I am that I didn't.
She was with someone I considered a friend. Someone I was foolish enough to trust and even admire. Someone I never thought would do something like this. I was and continue to be completely shocked. Floored. Furious, hurt, embarrassed, and grateful that my daughter was not harmed. Above all, grateful. Just slightly below grateful is angry. Livid.
I am beyond furious that this person put her personal wants before the safety of the children placed in her care. I am furious that she is trying to portray herself as a victim. I am furious that she has been lying to me since the first day I met her, and continued to lie even after the incident. I am furious that she has shown no remorse whatsoever. I am furious with myself for not following my instincts and making changes sooner, before this event could have happened.
I guess sometimes your eyes have to opened for you.
I wish I could make her feel the panic and sheer terror I felt that day when I could not find my daughter. I wish I could make her feel the helplessness, frustration, and anger I felt as I waited for five hours for my daughter to be brought to me. I wish I could make her feel the shame I felt as Child Protective Services investigated me - because what kind of mother would entrust her child to someone so obviously ill-suited and dangerous?
My angel is alive and well today, in spite of this woman I am trying very hard not to hate.
I know that this anger and hatred I am feeling is only detrimental to myself. I am trying to overcome it and reach forgiveness for this wretch of a person.
I'm not there yet.
Excuse me. I'm going to go hug my daughter.