Hate and Anger

Lately I am filled with Hate and Anger. 

About two weeks ago my daughter's life was willfully and knowingly put at risk by someone we trusted.  It is a miracle I got her back unharmed and in one piece.  My stomach twists every time I think of how easily I could have lost her that day.  How lucky I am that I didn't.

She was with someone I considered a friend.  Someone I was foolish enough to trust and even admire.  Someone I never thought would do something like this.  I was and continue to be completely shocked.  Floored.  Furious, hurt, embarrassed, and grateful that my daughter was not harmed.  Above all, grateful.  Just slightly below grateful is angry.  Livid.

I am beyond furious that this person put her personal wants before the safety of the children placed in her care.  I am furious that she is trying to portray herself as a victim.  I am furious that she has been lying to me since the first day I met her, and continued to lie even after the incident.  I am furious that she has shown no remorse whatsoever.  I am furious with myself for not following my instincts and making changes sooner, before this event could have happened.

I guess sometimes your eyes have to opened for you.

I wish I could make her feel the panic and sheer terror I felt that day when I could not find my daughter.  I wish I could make her feel the helplessness, frustration, and anger I felt as I waited for five hours for my daughter to be brought to me.  I wish I could make her feel the shame I felt as Child Protective Services investigated me - because what kind of mother would entrust her child to someone so obviously ill-suited and dangerous? 

My angel is alive and well today, in spite of this woman I am trying very hard not to hate.

I know that this anger and hatred I am feeling is only detrimental to myself. I am trying to overcome it and reach forgiveness for this wretch of a person.

I'm not there yet.



Excuse me.  I'm going to go hug my daughter.