I Hold A Grudge

I try not to.  No, really, I do try.  However, I haven't yet mastered the art of forgiveness.  In the back of my mind, there is always a voice that whispers.....they did it once, how do you know they're not going to do it again?  Once trust is lost, it is almost impossible for me to find it again. 
I marvel at people who can just forgive and move on.  I envy those who can welcome back with open arms a loved one who has broken a promise or disappointed them in some way.  They must know something I don't.  Maybe they've had more practice at forgiveness than I have.  I can't seem to get the knack for it.  I hold a grudge. 

I'm not doing so well with selflessness and calm today.  One little bitty broken promise - not even something all that important - and I snapped.   I yelled.  I almost cried.  It is such a small thing - but I'm so tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over and then....nothing.  Denial that such a promise was ever made.  Justification and excuses.  Now I feel like this persons word is worthless.  Again.  Why do I keep giving chances?  I don't know what to do about this anymore. 

I want to shrug my shoulders and not care, but I can't. 

What do I do?  How in the world am I supposed to believe anything that is said?  I hate this feeling. 

So much on my mind these days it's hard to sort any of it out.  I don't know what to think.

This post probably doesn't make much sense, but that's ok.  This one's for me.

20 Minutes

Twenty minutes till I'm supposed to go get Caity up from her nap.  Twenty minutes of "me" time....although my to-do list is not quite finished for the day. 

What to do?

I am so busy morningnoonandnight with kids, work, housework, school, etcetcetc, that when I get time to myself it feels somehow illicit - like I'm doing something I shouldn't.  I have a hard time making myself sit and read, or watch a movie, or take a nap.  There's always something productive to do!  Why do I feel like I need to be constantly productive?

This is one of the things I am working on.  I have resorted to scheduling downtime in my dayplanner.  Sometimes it happens, sometimes not.  Maybe I should throw out my dayplanner. 

I think I'll go work on Caity's quilt.

Quick Update

Things are going well in the Cook household....  we are taking baby steps, but important ones. 

Last week I started my new job at Kohls.  I haven't made this little money since just after high school, but it's easy, low stress, I get to listen to decent music while I work, everyone seems nice so far, and - most importantly - they will work with my schedule, so I still get to go to school and stay home with Caitlin during the day.  NO MORE DAYCARE!!!!  That is the most important thing of all.  Oh - plus I get a discount.  That's a nice little bonus. 

We started apartment hunting this week!  We have finally taken all the steps needed to get back into our own place and will be moving soon.  We are all very excited - plus I'm sure the in-laws are eager to have their house back to themselves. 

I've also begun planning Caitlin's third birthday party.  She wants EVERYTHING to be Disney Princesses.  For those of you who will be attending, don't be surprised if she shows up in her princess "dress"  - which is actually a swimsuit with Aurora, Cinderella, and Belle on the front.  She's convinced it is a dress because it has a little skirt.  She refuses to get it wet. 

Esoterik Guitars is getting lots of support - already becoming well-known locally and on facebook.  If you haven't already "liked" it on facebook, please do!  Brandon (web-designing guru) has finished the website, and it will be fully live once we've proofed it.  Should be up sometime this week.  Hopefully soon people will start buying guitars!

And last but not least, I am continuing with school in the fall.  I am only signed up for one class this semester (psychology - should be fun!) due to everything that will be going on, but I am toying with the idea of doing two and just finding a way to make it work.  We'll see. 

Oh wait - one more thing.  About a week and a half ago Caitlin actually said this to me:  "You're wrecking my life Mom!"  Sigh.  She's saying this already?  She's gonna be a fun teenager. 

Wish us luck!

Fourth of July 2010