I Hold A Grudge

I try not to.  No, really, I do try.  However, I haven't yet mastered the art of forgiveness.  In the back of my mind, there is always a voice that whispers.....they did it once, how do you know they're not going to do it again?  Once trust is lost, it is almost impossible for me to find it again. 
I marvel at people who can just forgive and move on.  I envy those who can welcome back with open arms a loved one who has broken a promise or disappointed them in some way.  They must know something I don't.  Maybe they've had more practice at forgiveness than I have.  I can't seem to get the knack for it.  I hold a grudge. 

I'm not doing so well with selflessness and calm today.  One little bitty broken promise - not even something all that important - and I snapped.   I yelled.  I almost cried.  It is such a small thing - but I'm so tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over and then....nothing.  Denial that such a promise was ever made.  Justification and excuses.  Now I feel like this persons word is worthless.  Again.  Why do I keep giving chances?  I don't know what to do about this anymore. 

I want to shrug my shoulders and not care, but I can't. 

What do I do?  How in the world am I supposed to believe anything that is said?  I hate this feeling. 

So much on my mind these days it's hard to sort any of it out.  I don't know what to think.

This post probably doesn't make much sense, but that's ok.  This one's for me.