Friday, February 19, 2010

Right Now

Caitlin is dreaming about pink floss.  But not pink Star Wars.  Just pink floss.

Today she told me "Mommy, don't get mad.  Get glad."

The other day she told me "Mom - that's driving me CRAAAAZY!!!!"

And last but not least, "Mom, you're driving crazy!"  (I wasn't)

I love how her brain works. 

She likes to read to her babies.

Sourgrass face with her brother.

My little ballerina.

Cool New Website....

....coming soon!!

http://www.esoterikguitars.com/

Check it out immediately!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I Found It!

My wedding dress!!  Can't go into detail as I want it to be a surprise for most everyone (not just the groom) but it's absolutely gorgeous and makes me feel like a princess.

We picked up our rings yesterday.  I finally have an engagement ring!  I've basically been waiting for this for five years.  At one point I had given up on this whole thing ever happening, but over the last year we've overcome so many obstacles and made so many positive changes together that now I know for a fact that it's right.  It's time.  This beautiful ring on my finger not only makes me happy, it also makes it seem more real. 

Five weeks to go!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Old Writing resurrected

I wrote this in 2005.

***

I am in one of those strange, unexplainable moods. The kind of mood where I know I want something, but don't know what it is. The kind of mood where I want absolutely nothing, but feel so restless it's as if my bones are trying to jump out of my skin of their own accord. I want to throw myself on the floor and pound my fists on the carpet and wail and scream and cry and claw your eyes out.

This is the kind of mood where you and he overlap and I can barely tell you apart. Should I run? I ran last time. Ran and ran and ran; for 7 long years I've been running. He's still there though; I can't get away from him. Who knew he could run faster than me?

The kind of mood where I look at our relationship from behind the sights of a loaded gun, and I'm not afraid to use it.

If I still smoked my apartment would be littered with empty cigarette packs. At least I can have the whiskey. I haven't denied myself that pleasure yet. And why have I done this, denied myself the pleasure of smoking? I know I had great reasons, but right now I can't remember them.

This is the kind of mood that dictates I do not speak unless spoken to, and then only in monosyllables. This baffles you for some reason. Don't you understand that sometimes I just need to be quiet? Don't you ever want to just be in your own head for awhile? The only person I want to talk to is that person who communicates through my speakers, crooning and stroking with a voice dripping with honeyed sex and doe-eyed sadness.

This is the kind of mood where I could stand in front of the mirror and examine my eyes for hours. They are green and brown and gold and squinting against the light from the too-warm heat lamp.

My mind is filled with racecar beds and exploding animals and sticky fingers and penguins and why won't she see reason and how can I make him love me and visions of terrified faces in the mirror. Mine. Mine. Mine. Houses and rings and scuba diving and macabre corpses dressed in wedding finery and bodies clutching and writhing and moaning and bank statements and divorce papers.


And no one will understand this but you.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Life gets in the way

Too busy to blog!  Ack! 

I'm at the start of a week of (paid!) vacation so I'm hoping to update sometime soon.

The wedding plans are underway and my sister and I are going hunting for a dress on Sunday!

***

From the archives....

Caitlin 1 week old
Gavin 5 years old