Saturday, November 13, 2010

Highlights of My Day

Highlights of my Saturday so far:

Sleeping in till ten (thank you Gavin for watching your sister!)
Delicious hot coffee
A beautiful sunny day
Family dance party to Beastie Boys (the robot moves by Ryan and Gavin were especially captivating)
Family exercise (I feel so much better - healthy, strong, and happy)

Now off to work!

......this is what I came home to after work:

I am a happy girl. 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Get Over it Already!

So lately I've been thinking a lot about the woman who abused my trust and put my daughter in a situation that could have killed her.  Maybe because this woman recently walked into my place of work and the mere sight of her caused me to practically have a panic attack, I don't know.  Maybe.

Anyway.  I've had a really hard time getting over the whole situation.  I can't talk about it without crying, I no longer trust my kids with anyone but family and oh maybe three friends, I still have nightmares and trouble falling asleep if it happens to cross my mind at night, things like that.  I have vivid daytime visions of car accidents while I'm driving....I've even contemplated giving up driving here and there (not seriously, but yes it has crossed my mind).  You could say I was a bit traumatized - even more so than my daughter (which I am thankful for - I NEVER want her to feel these things I'm feeling). 

I've decided to take the advice of one of my best friends and focus on the GOOD that came from the situation, instead of dwelling on the bad.  Now, this has proven to be extremely difficult for me, but I'm giving it the old college try.  I'm going to start here, by making a list of all the good things that have happened as a direct result of the car accident caused by the drunk daycare provider that miraculously did NOT kill or seriously injure my daughter or anyone else.  Here we no particular order.

1.  I get to stay home with my baby.
2.  I have more time to focus on school.
3.  I have more time for myself (when I'm not chasing my three-year-old, anyway)
4.  I have more time to focus on cooking/writing/art/music/etc.
5.  I no longer work at a job I hate.
6.  I no longer commute two hours a day.
7.  I get to spend more time with my darling stepson (who just this very second told me that in life, every second counts, so make it a good second.  Smart kid!)

That's what I've got for now.  I'm trying really hard to focus on these things and move past the anger towards forgiveness.  I honestly think if forgiveness happens, it will be a miracle, but I'm going to try to get there anyway.  I can't keep carrying this around for the rest of my life.

Wish me luck!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Belated Halloween Pictures

I completely failed in getting good pictures of Caitlin dressed as a princess.  However, since she dresses up like a princess on an almost daily basis, I guess that's not a huge loss. 

On the other hand, I got very clear pictures of Gavin in all his gory cowboy magnificence. 

Yes, it's blurry, but it's the only half-decent one I got of the two of them together.  Better luck next year, I guess.


We went to Avila Valley Barn to find a pumpkin.  The kids started off with a hay fight while we waited for the tractor to take us to the pumpkin patch.

On our way!

Caitlin was very serious about finding the "perfect" pumpkin.
They had a blast carving it with Dad. 

And the end result....

A very successful and fun Halloween!!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Old Writing resurrected

I am completely unable to write these days.  I wish I knew's very frustrating.  So instead I am posting some old writing.

This is from March 2005.  No title, kinda goofy, but it makes me smile. 

Fear is a low-flying fog clouding my head
zero visibility
squinting and shuffling
hands outstretched
looking for a safe place to land
hands clutched and released become
landmarks on the map
of places I've already been.

(keep going there's more to come)

my sneakers are wearing thin, but
still holding up.
frayed at the edges and
holes beginning to show

and then I met a man with
a bottle of super glue.

he fixed my shoes.

now he walks beside me with
steps sure and confident
holding my hand
my feet are snug and warm
and the fog lifts.