So lately I've been thinking a lot about the woman who abused my trust and put my daughter in a situation that could have killed her. Maybe because this woman recently walked into my place of work and the mere sight of her caused me to practically have a panic attack, I don't know. Maybe.
Anyway. I've had a really hard time getting over the whole situation. I can't talk about it without crying, I no longer trust my kids with anyone but family and oh maybe three friends, I still have nightmares and trouble falling asleep if it happens to cross my mind at night, things like that. I have vivid daytime visions of car accidents while I'm driving....I've even contemplated giving up driving here and there (not seriously, but yes it has crossed my mind). You could say I was a bit traumatized - even more so than my daughter (which I am thankful for - I NEVER want her to feel these things I'm feeling).
I've decided to take the advice of one of my best friends and focus on the GOOD that came from the situation, instead of dwelling on the bad. Now, this has proven to be extremely difficult for me, but I'm giving it the old college try. I'm going to start here, by making a list of all the good things that have happened as a direct result of the car accident caused by the drunk daycare provider that miraculously did NOT kill or seriously injure my daughter or anyone else. Here we go....in no particular order.
1. I get to stay home with my baby.
2. I have more time to focus on school.
3. I have more time for myself (when I'm not chasing my three-year-old, anyway)
4. I have more time to focus on cooking/writing/art/music/etc.
5. I no longer work at a job I hate.
6. I no longer commute two hours a day.
7. I get to spend more time with my darling stepson (who just this very second told me that in life, every second counts, so make it a good second. Smart kid!)
That's what I've got for now. I'm trying really hard to focus on these things and move past the anger towards forgiveness. I honestly think if forgiveness happens, it will be a miracle, but I'm going to try to get there anyway. I can't keep carrying this around for the rest of my life.
Wish me luck!
when to howl back
1 week ago