My daughter turned five this past weekend. She also started kindergarten two weeks ago. It feels like she is officially no longer a baby. She's still my baby of course, just not a baby.
I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to feel about anything these days, actually. My feelings are muddled, unclear and unclean. I need to think, to breathe, to get away and reconnect. I need a clean slate and a clean house. I need less to do and more freedom. I need someone to take care of me for a change. I need less work and more joy. I need space to breathe and to not be told what I should be doing or feeling or saying or not saying. I need my husband to care about something other than his business and himself. I need my stepsons mom to stop being such an unappreciative crazy bitch. I need to not be a stepparent anymore. I need to be able to not feel bad about things that are beyond my control. I need my knee to not hurt when I run so that I can try to hold on to at least a little bit of sanity.
The truth is, I don't know what I need. Just something.