Remember This

I just sat on the couch and did nothing but hold my daughter and listen to music for half an hour.

I needed that. We both did.

The Good Life

I'm livin' it.

I feel so much gratitude these days, so much happiness that sometimes it's overwhelming. We live in a beautiful area in a great condo that we can actually afford, I like my job, Ryan likes his job, Esoterik Guitars is going well, Ryan and I have learned how to be beyond good to each other, things with my stepson are the best they've been since he was little (he's now 13), and things with his mother are finally peaceful. We eat extremely well, we are financially comfortable, and we have an amazing group of family and friends that are there for us whenever we need them. We are so, so lucky.

.... and then there's Caitlin.

Caitlin just amazes me every single day. She's so sweet and kind, so charming and generous and smart. She's so open to learning new things and considering ideas that challenge what she thinks is true. She continues to teach me how to be a better human being every single day.

I haven't been writing things down as much lately, so I'm going to do a little recap of some things that have been happening.

She is eight years old and in the third grade. She is an excellent student and really enjoys school. She says her third grade teacher (Mrs. Williams) and her second grade teacher (Miss Ward) are both so amazing that they are tied for first place as her favorites. When given the option to play hooky and stay home with me on occasion, she chooses to go to school. Mrs. Williams is the same teacher that Gavin had in third grade - she still has a thank you note that he wrote to her pinned up in her classroom.

Last night Caitlin decided that when she left Hamburger Town (where she lived before she was born) to come live on Earth with us, she got here through a hole in the space-time continuum. Wow!

Her current nicknames are Rollerblades, Blader-rolls, Sunshine Bear, Sweet Girl, Cait Cait Lo Bait, and Angel Pie. She calls her dad Ah-Da-Doo and me Ah-Ma-Moo. No idea why, but it's really cute.

She informed me yesterday that her style is changing from liking pink and purple clothes to a more "sporty" style with a little bit of rocker style thrown in (I approve!).

Her best friend is Annamae, and they are both thinking about switching to Teach Elementary next year for the more challenging work.

She loves to read to the point that she just bought herself a book light (blue, with an owl-shaped clip) so that she can read at night while her brother is asleep, and we frequently have to tell her to "put the book down." She likes to read while she eats.

Her current career goals include: Neuroscientist, botanist, artist, marine biologist, and entomologist.

She still likes playing with Barbies, but Hello Kitty is out, Tinkerbell is out, My Little Pony is out. She likes to play Minion Rush on the iPad, and still likes to do art and play board games. She and her friends like to make up "stations" (which I think consist of different games or toys at each one) and spend a little bit of time at each one.

Her favorite colors are currently black, blue and purple I think.

She is obsessed with hair chalk, and picks out her outfits each day very carefully. She loves to wear skirts.

I'm sure there's more I could include, but that'll all I can think of for now.

Life is so good. The future's so bright I gotta wear shades.

I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Living With Intention

I have lately been thinking about how often I simply react to things without thought. The end result more often than not is negative, not positive. I am trying (when I remember) to behave more proactively, to live with intention. 

I've also noticed that I have a tendency to mentally remove myself from situations and view them as an observer (usually a snarky, cynical observer) rather than actually being in the moment and experiencing my life. I have started the practice of saying to myself "This Moment" to bring myself back, to remind myself to pay attention and not get distracted, to not insulate myself in the safety of not really being there. It is safe, to not really participate. I'm less likely to be vulnerable that way, less likely to get hurt, less likely to embarrass myself with visible emotion. I can act on autopilot.

I've become lazy about living my life.

I've become afraid to be fully present and engaged.

But that's not how I actually want to live.

I've also noticed a habit I have picked up of seeing people through a lens of cynicism, especially my husband. I've developed a tendency to assume that I know what people's motives are, and have tailored my responses around that assumption, rather than on what is actually happening or being said. This is disastrous. Who am I to say that I know what someone else's motives are? Who am I to impose my own opinion of who I think they are, or what I think they mean, rather than simply noticing and appreciating the complex, interesting, and unique individual in front of me? I'm not inside their head - the assumptions and the instant reactions to the assumptions have got to go.

I have been actively making an effort to strip away the years of mental conditioning that I have built up, and to see people with fresh eyes - a brand new perspective versus my same-old same-old point of view.  It's pretty exhilarating. I highly recommend taking your point of view and making it go all topsy-turvy. 

One frequent result of my old behaviors (which of course still exist - I am a work in progress, as we all are) was angry, frustrated reactions to things or situations that didn't really warrant anger or frustration. Unfortunately, anger and frustration all too often translate into a raised voice or a nasty tone, both of which I would prefer to eliminate from my life.

I read a blog post today that had an excellent idea for what to do once I've started down the road of negativity - telling myself to "Come Back." I don't have to continue down the road just because I started down it. I can stop and come back to where I was before.

Two phrases I am now incorporating into my life in an effort to be a human being that will be "remembered for my smile, not my scowl," a person who is "a safe haven, not someone to avoid" are "This Moment" and "Come Back."

Here is the blog post by Rachel Macy Stafford that inspired my own:

http://creativewithkids.com/two-words-that-can-bring-you-back-to-peaceful-territory/

Come back.

"Come back.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive the one who wronged you.
Decide this isn’t over.
Decide you’ve only just begun.
Lower the bar. It’s good enough for the people who love you.
Scale back. Surrender the pressure to “do it all.”
Take ten minutes to do something you love.
Take an old hand or a young hand in yours. See loving memories and future possibilities in their palms.
Whisper: “Let it be. Let it be.”
Declare: “I cannot control, so let me release.”
Turn up a good song.
Call up a good friend.
Hug the person nearest you.
Hug the person farthest out of reach.
Put something of value in someone’s empty cup.
Put something of value in your own cup.
Walk outside and spot something beautiful.
Dig inside and find something beautiful you thought was gone."

Birthday & Stuff

My daughter turned five this past weekend.  She also started kindergarten two weeks ago.  It feels like she is officially no longer a baby.  She's still my baby of course, just not a baby.

I don't know how to feel.  I don't know how to feel about anything these days, actually.  My feelings are muddled, unclear and unclean.  I need to think, to breathe, to get away and reconnect.  I need a clean slate and a clean house.  I need less to do and more freedom.  I need someone to take care of me for a change.  I need less work and more joy.  I need space to breathe and to not be told what I should be doing or feeling or saying or not saying.  I need my husband to care about something other than his business and himself.  I need my stepsons mom to stop being such an unappreciative crazy bitch.  I need to not be a stepparent anymore.  I need to be able to not feel bad about things that are beyond my control. I need my knee to not hurt when I run so that I can try to hold on to at least a little bit of sanity. 

The truth is, I don't know what I need.  Just something. 

A Little Bit of Gratitude

I am so very fortunate to live in this beautiful place where I can grow vegetables in my backyard with very little effort and take my sweet girl to the park.  We play on the swings and the play structure, she’s getting better and better at climbing the “rock wall” and playing hopscotch, and she can ride her scooter now without any assistance from me.  The weather today was so mild and pretty; it was refreshing and renewing to spend some time outside with my favorite girl.

I’ve got some spinach, strawberries, snap peas, rosemary, parsley, thyme, a cactus, and some flowers growing out back right now.  Soon I’ll be planting tomatoes as well.  I can’t wait! I love when she comes running in the house saying “Hey Mom do you think that strawberry’s ready yet?  Can I EAT IT??!!” and when she begs me give her leaves off the spinach plant.

I am fortunate to have a job, even if it’s a low-paying, low-status job – it’s also a very low-responsibility and low-stress job that allows me to stay home with my kids during the day.  I get to do all the fun daytime stuff -hiking, going to the beach, reading stories, making cookies, playing games, snuggling…. and I get to make dinner for my family almost every night.

I am so happy to come home from said job and have delicious cookies (snickerdoodles this time) to nibble on – made even better because while I have a cookie, I also get to remember how much fun it was to make them with my little one.  She did most of the pouring and mixing, and shaped at least half of the cookies in her cute little hands.  They are delicious!

Life may be challenging and tough at times, but… today was a good day.  Tomorrow I get to have another one.

Lunch

Fresh whole wheat fettuccine and shredded rotisserie chicken drizzled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar, a pinch of sea salt, topped with purple grapes.

WOW.

Delicious.

Big Ol' Grouch

Yep, that would be me.  Just a big ol' grouch.  Why?  I have no idea....but I do know I've got to do something about it.  I'm tired of feeling grumpy, tired of yelling at my kids, tired of snapping at my husband, tired of being tired.

The only thing I know how to do is be active and practice mind over matter, so here goes.

Here's to happier days ahead!

***
Update - I just ran about 3.5 miles in sideways rain with a couple intervals thrown in for good measure....
I feel better.

Another Caitlin Tidbit (and a Gavin tidbit)

Right now, Caitlin's favorite book is The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and her favorite movie is The Incredibles. She still loves to play with her princess toys.  Also, she is going to be "a real firegirl" when she grows up.

Gavin is obsessed with the old-school Donkey Kong Country on the Super Nintendo, anything Star Wars, and Monopoly.  He has decided he is going to design video games when he grows up.

These kids are just too cool. 

Caitlin Quote of the Day

"I like looking at purple porcupines."

Said at the dinner table, completely randomly. 

Also, the other day, she and I were eating lunch together and she handed me a french fry dipped in ranch.  I ate it and she said, "I licked that.....(pause pause) and you just ate it."

Not that I should be encouraging this sort of thing....but I could not stop laughing.

Random Notes

Someday I will have a room all to myself for books, music, sewing, writing, crafts.....whatever I want, basically.  I will also have a room dedicated solely to making music, and another to do yoga and weights, and possibly for Caitlin to practice dance in (if she ends up being interested in dance). 

Yesterday all four of us made some Christmas crafts - one of which was a construction paper chain which we hung up on the walls like a garland.  I felt like I was ten years old again.  It was awesome. 

Ryan is going to have his own booth at the NAMM show in January.  This is so exciting and yet so terrifying - this will essentially extend us to our limit financially.  If it doesn't pay off with at least one order, we will be left with a bunch of debt and nothing to show for it.  Scary.  However, even if that is the result of this particular show, we will keep going.  I don't think Esoterik Guitars is ever going to not exist, now that it's here. 

I am contemplating quitting my job and just concentrating on school and raising my kids. This, however, hinges mostly on how the show goes in January. 

We are jumping off the deep end...... here we go!

Tonight During Game NIght....

We were playing Sorry! with the kids, and it was Caitlin's turn.  She pulled her card, pretended to read it, and announced "My card says that the person with the yellow pieces wins the game."  Guess who was playing with the yellow pieces?  Best part of the day, by far. 

She knows almost all the letters of the alphabet by sight already and at least one word that starts with those letters.  Mommy's proud. 

We went and picked apples together the other day. 

She prefers the green ones.

I'm excited to get back out on the hiking trails with her, now that the weather has cooled down.  We need to get her some pint-sized hiking boots (although she does love slippin' and slidin' down the hills). 

Looking forward to more adventures with my stinky boys and my little ladybug!

Highlights of My Day

Highlights of my Saturday so far:

Sleeping in till ten (thank you Gavin for watching your sister!)
Delicious hot coffee
A beautiful sunny day
Family dance party to Beastie Boys (the robot moves by Ryan and Gavin were especially captivating)
Family exercise (I feel so much better - healthy, strong, and happy)

Now off to work!

***
......this is what I came home to after work:

I am a happy girl. 



Check Out My Friend's Blog

Everyone should read this post.  I love this post.  Stephanie, you rock!!

http://djstephaniebell.blogspot.com/2010/10/spirit-day-or-why-im-wearing-purple.html

I am wearing purple today!

Mac 'n cheese

This weekend I will be making homemade macaroni and cheese for the first time.  I've never been a big fan of feeding my kids macaroni out of a box...the powdered cheese substance just creeps me out.  So Saturday night is it!  Homemade macaroni and cheese day!!  Any tips or recipes are greatly appreciated!!

Unbelievable

So apparently in SLO county you can drive at an intoxication level of .258 BAC, have an accident with four kids in the car - not strapped in - and only get sentenced to two months in jail.  Huh.  What a wonderful justice system we have.

Random Note

Switching between the mentality needed to interact with my three-year-old and the critical thinking skills I have to use for school is definitely challenging.

First of the Season

Just had my first sip of my first cup of tea of the fall/winter season.  Aaaahhh.....

20 Minutes

Twenty minutes till I'm supposed to go get Caity up from her nap.  Twenty minutes of "me" time....although my to-do list is not quite finished for the day. 

What to do?

I am so busy morningnoonandnight with kids, work, housework, school, etcetcetc, that when I get time to myself it feels somehow illicit - like I'm doing something I shouldn't.  I have a hard time making myself sit and read, or watch a movie, or take a nap.  There's always something productive to do!  Why do I feel like I need to be constantly productive?

This is one of the things I am working on.  I have resorted to scheduling downtime in my dayplanner.  Sometimes it happens, sometimes not.  Maybe I should throw out my dayplanner. 

I think I'll go work on Caity's quilt.

Quick Update

Things are going well in the Cook household....  we are taking baby steps, but important ones. 

Last week I started my new job at Kohls.  I haven't made this little money since just after high school, but it's easy, low stress, I get to listen to decent music while I work, everyone seems nice so far, and - most importantly - they will work with my schedule, so I still get to go to school and stay home with Caitlin during the day.  NO MORE DAYCARE!!!!  That is the most important thing of all.  Oh - plus I get a discount.  That's a nice little bonus. 

We started apartment hunting this week!  We have finally taken all the steps needed to get back into our own place and will be moving soon.  We are all very excited - plus I'm sure the in-laws are eager to have their house back to themselves. 

I've also begun planning Caitlin's third birthday party.  She wants EVERYTHING to be Disney Princesses.  For those of you who will be attending, don't be surprised if she shows up in her princess "dress"  - which is actually a swimsuit with Aurora, Cinderella, and Belle on the front.  She's convinced it is a dress because it has a little skirt.  She refuses to get it wet. 

Esoterik Guitars is getting lots of support - already becoming well-known locally and on facebook.  If you haven't already "liked" it on facebook, please do!  Brandon (web-designing guru) has finished the website, and it will be fully live once we've proofed it.  Should be up sometime this week.  Hopefully soon people will start buying guitars!

And last but not least, I am continuing with school in the fall.  I am only signed up for one class this semester (psychology - should be fun!) due to everything that will be going on, but I am toying with the idea of doing two and just finding a way to make it work.  We'll see. 

Oh wait - one more thing.  About a week and a half ago Caitlin actually said this to me:  "You're wrecking my life Mom!"  Sigh.  She's saying this already?  She's gonna be a fun teenager. 

Wish us luck!

Fourth of July 2010

We Were Invited....

...to appear on Judge Judy! 

We have a small claims court date coming up next month, and today we got a letter from the producer of the Judge Judy show asking us to try the case on the show!

We are obviously not going to, due to the sensitive nature of our case, but seriously?!  That is HILARIOUS. 

Have a great day!