Burn Out, Guilt, and Balance

Tired and guilty....

I feel burned out while also feeling guilty for feeling burned out. Between work, kids, house, meals, groceries, laundry, husband, social life.... I feel like I don't have a minute to myself and I'm always at least a little bit tired. But I know that that is how everyone is feeling, and I feel guilty for thinking I'm any different. I feel guilty for not accepting this burned-out feeling. I don't like it. I don't like constantly being on the go, constantly having more to do than time to do it in. I feel guilty for not being able to handle such a busy life (which compared to some people is not really that busy, but comparison is the devil). I feel like I should be able to "do it all" with grace, humor, and patience, but I can't. I don't know why. I know that this is what our American society expects of me, and I know some people thrive on being busy, but I don't, and I have to remind myself that there's nothing wrong with that.

I am craving simplicity.

I thrive on balance, and I feel like things are way out of balance right now.

My husband works constantly - he hardly takes any time off. But he also is almost completely autonomous - he can do just about whatever he wants whenever he wants (I am actually the one that makes that possible), while I am bound by working around his schedule, what my boss needs and what the kids need. I feel like that makes a big difference. He doesn't seem to have any problems with his work schedule and his sense of balance. I wonder if I were only taking care of myself, would I feel this stretched thin? Probably not.

So I'm burned out, I need a vacation, I need some time to myself on a more regular basis, and I feel guilty for all of it. I need to reorganize my thought patterns and let go of this guilt somehow. Taking care of myself - taking TIME for myself - is not something to feel guilty about. This is the only life I get, I should be living it in a way that doesn't constantly deplete my resources.

A vacation by myself at this point is out of the question. So what do I do?

I know I need more exercise, more sleep, more yoga, more creativity, more time at the beach, but I don't know how to fit all that into my already packed schedule. Something's got to give.

I feel like there has to be a way to feel more balanced, more rested and more at ease while still accomplishing everything I need to accomplish, but I haven't figured out how to do it. It just seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done and still give my time to my dear ones that need it.

Balance is the key that is missing. The guilty feeling is useless and has got to go.

Happy Monday - here's to not overworking and under-playing!

Living With Intention

I have lately been thinking about how often I simply react to things without thought. The end result more often than not is negative, not positive. I am trying (when I remember) to behave more proactively, to live with intention. 

I've also noticed that I have a tendency to mentally remove myself from situations and view them as an observer (usually a snarky, cynical observer) rather than actually being in the moment and experiencing my life. I have started the practice of saying to myself "This Moment" to bring myself back, to remind myself to pay attention and not get distracted, to not insulate myself in the safety of not really being there. It is safe, to not really participate. I'm less likely to be vulnerable that way, less likely to get hurt, less likely to embarrass myself with visible emotion. I can act on autopilot.

I've become lazy about living my life.

I've become afraid to be fully present and engaged.

But that's not how I actually want to live.

I've also noticed a habit I have picked up of seeing people through a lens of cynicism, especially my husband. I've developed a tendency to assume that I know what people's motives are, and have tailored my responses around that assumption, rather than on what is actually happening or being said. This is disastrous. Who am I to say that I know what someone else's motives are? Who am I to impose my own opinion of who I think they are, or what I think they mean, rather than simply noticing and appreciating the complex, interesting, and unique individual in front of me? I'm not inside their head - the assumptions and the instant reactions to the assumptions have got to go.

I have been actively making an effort to strip away the years of mental conditioning that I have built up, and to see people with fresh eyes - a brand new perspective versus my same-old same-old point of view.  It's pretty exhilarating. I highly recommend taking your point of view and making it go all topsy-turvy. 

One frequent result of my old behaviors (which of course still exist - I am a work in progress, as we all are) was angry, frustrated reactions to things or situations that didn't really warrant anger or frustration. Unfortunately, anger and frustration all too often translate into a raised voice or a nasty tone, both of which I would prefer to eliminate from my life.

I read a blog post today that had an excellent idea for what to do once I've started down the road of negativity - telling myself to "Come Back." I don't have to continue down the road just because I started down it. I can stop and come back to where I was before.

Two phrases I am now incorporating into my life in an effort to be a human being that will be "remembered for my smile, not my scowl," a person who is "a safe haven, not someone to avoid" are "This Moment" and "Come Back."

Here is the blog post by Rachel Macy Stafford that inspired my own:

http://creativewithkids.com/two-words-that-can-bring-you-back-to-peaceful-territory/

Come back.

"Come back.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive the one who wronged you.
Decide this isn’t over.
Decide you’ve only just begun.
Lower the bar. It’s good enough for the people who love you.
Scale back. Surrender the pressure to “do it all.”
Take ten minutes to do something you love.
Take an old hand or a young hand in yours. See loving memories and future possibilities in their palms.
Whisper: “Let it be. Let it be.”
Declare: “I cannot control, so let me release.”
Turn up a good song.
Call up a good friend.
Hug the person nearest you.
Hug the person farthest out of reach.
Put something of value in someone’s empty cup.
Put something of value in your own cup.
Walk outside and spot something beautiful.
Dig inside and find something beautiful you thought was gone."

A New Adventure

I am beginning my new adventure as a full time stay-at-home-mom/student.... I am officially no longer employed (don't worry Mom- I checked with the manager and she told me I can come back whenever I need or want).  All I can say so far is..... this is AWESOME!!!!  Granted, I go back to school full time on the 22nd, so things will change a bit then, but right now I have so much free time!  My house is so clean!  I'm having so much fun with the kids!  I don't feel like I have to rush all the time!

I have started on my list of projects; the first two items on the list are to get my photo albums up to date (could it be that I am a year behind??) and finish Caity's quilt.  I am catching up on sleep, and have noticed a huge improvement in my mood and general demeanor.  I am making plans to actually hang out with friends again, and spending time just sitting and reading (what a luxury!).

Ryan is also much happier these days.  Esoterik Guitars is now his only job, and while he is working long hours, he is enjoying every minute of it.  Being able to focus on his business and having me supporting him at home has really reduced his stress level and increased his happiness. 

So right now, life is really good.  

I have also changed my major at school from Nutrition to Psychology with a focus on Marriage and Family Counseling.  I still plan to study Nutrition throughout my life, but my Bachelor's and Master's degrees will be in Psychology.  By the end of this year, I will have a Certificate of Specialization in Nutrition, so if I want to work in the field I can, as well as an AA in Family Studies.  My goal is to transfer to Cal Poly in January 2014 as a Junior, finish my Bachelors degree in two years, and my Masters two years after that.  Here's hoping we can afford it!  With the three degrees, the certificate, and my ongoing studies in nutrition, I will be able to combine all these areas of study if I decide to pursue my original plan of working with people with eating disorders.  I am very, very excited to continue school in this new direction.

2013 is shaping up to be a fantastic year!

A Simple Goal

Lately I've found myself very short-tempered and yelling at my kids WAY more than I should be. I don't know why, maybe I'm just overwhelmed (work, school, two kids, training, husband working and running his business so therefore rarely available, trying to squeeze in rare time for ME...), but it doesn't matter. There is no reason (no excuses!) for me to be taking out my frustration (or whatever it is) on my kids. So I'm setting a goal for tomorrow....

No yelling!!

No doubt this will be difficult, but I've come to the conclusion that yelling doesn't work anyway. All it does is raise my stress level, raise their stress levels, and upset everyone. Results are usually minimal, if any at all. I'm setting this goal for tomorrow in order to start small, but I'm going to re-set this goal every morning. Hopefully it will become a habit to interact calmly and peacefully.

Wish me luck!!

Perhaps visualization will work.....

1/1/11

My only New Year's Resolution this year is this:  take the parts of my life that are unsatisfying and make them better.  Every single thing that bothers me I have the capability to change - and I will. 

The first thing I am doing for this resolution is to start my training to run the Miracle Miles for Kids 10k in May.  I'm so excited to work towards this goal and hopefully raise some money for a really good cause!  Setting this goal for myself will address my dissatisfaction with my current fitness level and general health and well-being, as well as setting an excellent example for my kids.    Good stuff all around. 

Happy New Year everyone!